Sexual Desire in Our 40s - and Beyond
I don’t know about you but when I was in my 20s, I couldn’t imagine that my sex drive would be as high, if not higher, as it was then, and I certainly assumed that there was absolute truth in the idea that after 16 years of being with someone, you couldn’t expect that initial sexual spark to remain. However, I have been proven wrong on both counts, and through conversations with other women, I have realised that in large part, sadly I am in a minority. I have become very passionate about talking about sex, intimacy and relationships over the last few years, and I am expanding more and more into this work.
I wanted to reflect today about the reasons why women in their 40s and beyond may well have lost their libido, or indeed perhaps never have felt connected to their sexuality at all. Of course, I want to say outright here that I know sexual abuse can, and does, have a big impact on this for many women, and I do not want to make light of this - there is work to be done here personally and generationally. However, I will also recognise that I am not here to do that work, but instead shine a light on the many other challenges that dampen our desire and connection to our bodies. Through my own journey and coaching others, I have identified key areas that influence our sexual vitality.
Where are we currently?
Connection with Our Bodies
One of the primary reasons many women don’t have a strong libido is a lack of connection with their bodies. Years of societal pressure, self-criticism, and neglect can lead to a disconnection from our physical selves. We often feel unworthy of pleasure and struggle to see ourselves as sexy. This disconnection not only impacts our self-esteem but also whether or not our partners feel magnetised towards us. Reconnecting with our bodies through practices like mindful movement, mirror work, and cutting out the daily self-deprecation of ourselves with our words and our thoughts can reignite our sense of worthiness and sexual desire. Of course, self-pleasure practices wouldn’t go amiss either!
Many women look in the mirror and feel a disconnect from the person staring back. This can create a barrier to feeling desirable or worthy of pleasure. It then becomes a vicious cycle, as a woman who does not feel worthy of desire, doesn’t bring it into her reality - her thoughts and resulting behaviours plant the seed in her unconscious of the very reality she is wishing to change. But our unconscious is a powerful creator, and as such we create an unbroken cycle. The only way we can change it is by changing our thoughts and our actions, to plant a new seed, so a new reality is born.
Lifestyle
Our lifestyle choices play a significant role in our hormonal health and sexual desire. A diet high in processed foods, exposure to toxins in our hygiene and cleaning products, poor quality water, and lack of time in nature and natural light all disrupt our hormonal balance. This imbalance dampens our natural cycle of sex hormones, leading to a reduced libido. Embracing a healthy lifestyle that includes a balanced diet, regular exercise, time in nature, and minimising exposure to toxins can help restore hormonal health and enhance our sexual vitality.
Contraception
The choice of a partner profoundly impacts our sexual desire. The use of hormonal contraception, such as the pill, can suppress a woman's natural ability to detect whether a male is a compatible chemical match. This suppression can lead to relationships where there is no natural chemistry, resulting in a lack of desire. Research published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences indicates that women on the pill may be less attracted to genetically compatible partners and more to those who might not be a natural fit once they stop taking it. Understanding the impact of contraception on our instincts and making conscious choices about our partners can help ensure a deeper, more authentic connection.
Lost Sacredness
Sex has been shrouded in shame and secrecy for far too long. This cultural conditioning disconnects us from our natural instincts and the essence of our humanity. A healthy sex life is a fundamental aspect of being alive and fully embodied. By reclaiming the sacredness of sex, we can reconnect with our natural desires. Exploring our sexuality without shame, practicing open communication with our partners, opening up to our friends about our desires, and also our struggles, and engaging in spiritual or tantric practices can help us rediscover the sacred connection to our sexuality.
Many women feel that sex has become just another chore or something to feel guilty about. This shift can lead to a longing for the days when intimacy felt more passionate and less routine. This is not easy to fix but I know is possible, and largely starts with the next two points I have to make.
Emotional Intimacy
True intimacy in relationships starts with emotional intimacy. The deeper we connect with our partner's feelings, desires, shadows, and fears, the more physically connected we become. Many relationships suffer from a lack of emotional capability to truly hear and support one another. This stagnation can lead to resentment, especially when one partner desires growth. Cultivating emotional intimacy through open communication, vulnerability, and mutual support is essential for maintaining a vibrant sexual connection.
Many couples feel they are merely co-existing rather than deeply connecting. There's often a desire for more meaningful conversations and emotional support. Building emotional intimacy can, and likely will, transform your physical connection as well. This is a process I have been on for the 16 years I have been in a relationship with my husband Josh. I have learnt so much as we have, often painstakingly, taken this journey together. It is from my own personal journey here that my passion to support other women on this path has grown. One of the biggest pieces for us was the awareness of…
Lost Polarity
The balance between the feminine and masculine energies in relationships has been disrupted. The feminist movement, while empowering, has sometimes led women to adopt more masculine traits, while societal shifts have emasculated men. This imbalance disrupts the natural polarity that creates magnetic attraction. Embracing our authentic feminine essence and allowing men to embody their true masculinity can restore this polarity and reignite the magnetic force in our relationships.
The spark in many relationships has dimmed due to imbalanced gender roles and energies. Restoring the natural polarity can bring back the passion and excitement. John Wineland mentions in From The Core: "Polarity in relationships creates the spark of attraction and passion. It's about balancing the masculine and feminine energies to maintain a dynamic, vibrant connection." What this actually means I know can be confusing for many women. It once was also confusing to me. However the more I dug into the work the more it made sense, and as time passed Josh also became receptive to the learning I was doing. The conversations and breaking down of beliefs and stories that followed has led to a level of connection and intimacy I never would have dreamt of. The lost polarity piece is fundamental to anyone looking to improve the intimacy and in their relationship.
Where do we go next?
As we navigate our 40s, it's essential to embrace the journey of rediscovering our sexuality. By reconnecting with our bodies, prioritising a healthy lifestyle, embracing the sacredness of sex, choosing the right partners, cultivating emotional intimacy, and restoring polarity, I truly believe woman can reignite their sexual vitality. This journey is not just about sex but about reclaiming our full, embodied selves.
Our 40s and beyond can be a time of profound sexual awakening and fulfillment, leading to a richer, more connected life. I am deeply committed to this work and I cannot wait to step into it more over this year. I have a 5 part email series called Surrender to Intimacy, that explores this topic in more detail. You can subscribe to it HERE.
References:
- ScienceDaily. "Unnatural Selection: Birth Control Pills May Alter Choice Of Partners." Retrieved from [ScienceDaily](https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/10/091007124358.htm).
- Dr. Jolene Brighten. "Can Birth Control Affect Who You're Attracted To?" Retrieved from [Dr. Brighten](https://drbrighten.com/can-birth-control-affect-who-youre-attracted-to/).