The Thread of Intimacy
The Thread of Intimacy
Yesterday I came back from two nights away with my love, Josh. As we work from home, and homeschool our two children, ages 8 and 12, we are literally constantly on the go. Compounded by the fact that we co-sleep with our children, what this translates into, despite constantly being in the same building together, is that we are never alone! This means the only conversations we generally have are about work and the house.
Don’t get me wrong. I suspect a lot of people could say this, even if they don’t have our circumstances, because life is busy, and sadly relationships don’t get prioritised; mainly out of necessity to just get through the day! However, what I have realised increasingly over the last few years is the necessity of the day to day, ends up causing critical harm to the absolute necessity of talking to, and connecting deeply with, the one you love and hope to share the rest of your life with.
So, since the middle of last year, we have made it happen! Once a month we spend two to three nights alone. Either my mom comes for four nights and we pop away for two of them, leaving her in charge, or Josh’s mum has them at her house and we spend the time alone at home. And it has transformed our relationship.
Josh and I have had some very turbulent times since we met. We have a deep love for one another, and a strong physical connection, but our engrained behaviours and beliefs from our upbringings have caused real problems in communication, often resulting in huge rows. I became pregnant with Caleb after knowing Josh for only nine months, and I have often wondered if it wasn’t for that beautiful surprise, if we would have made it. The pregnancy itself was a huge issue for us, as Josh felt he was not ready to be a parent, if indeed he wanted to be one at all, and so the majority of my pregnancy felt very lonely, and in many ways quite sad for me (apart from the amazing feeling I had every time I connected to my baby boy inside of me).
I say I wonder if we would have made it because I will never know if Caleb’s birth, and his instant transition into becoming a dedicated, wonderful father, created the shift in Josh to want to ‘do the work’, or if it is just who he is, and our love would have carried us through to get us still to this point. I have never met anyone who is more willing (albeit after long periods of internal contemplation and time to get there) to make changes to be a better person than Josh is. Given the latter, I like to think we would have made it work no matter what. Either way, it has been hard, but I am grateful for our journey!
I long for our times alone together, but even they are not always ‘easy’ because in us being alone, and in being who we are as people, conversation runs deep and can sometimes be very emotional. This week saw one of those times. We tried microdosing for the first time, and it led to even deeper conversation than usual. I cried myself to sleep one night, but not from a place of pain, but rather from processing what felt like a new level of growth for us after our words had taken us into places we had not gone before with one another. When we woke up in the morning our connection was stronger than ever, and there was a sadness in me that it had to end.
Every time I come back I cling to that thread of intimacy that has woven around us in that time. I so look forward to being at home with the family again, but I dread the fact that when I enter that door, the thread will be severed as the day to day takes over.
So this time I have resolved to not let it. I had the visualisation of ‘the thread’ for the first time last night as I lay with the children as they went to sleep. I usually would just fall asleep with them, but I followed the thread to the bed where Josh now sleeps (as there is no room in the family bed for him), and lay down. He wasn’t in bed yet, but I fell asleep there knowing he would join me, and in my slumber I felt him follow the thread to me too when it was time to him to sleep. You see I think we both feel it this time. The microdosing (more on this maybe another day) seems to have opened up a new consciousness in us, and I can feel the resolve in us both. Nothing is more important than us. Nothing we have together is as good as it can be, which is what we deserve, without that thread being strong.
The thread will always be in my mind now it’s come to me; seeing and feeling it connecting me to Josh. I am going to hold that visualisation really strong, and I am going to keep letting it pull me back to him, no matter what life throws at us day to day. And our trips will just make it stronger, not just mend it. I am here for growth, not maintenance; in every area of life.
If you don’t already, make the time. Carve it out. Look at your calendar now and plan it. You won’t regret it. Strengthen your thread. You chose each other for a reason.