Reflections from a sick bed

Is sickness something to be ashamed of or something to be embraced?

On Monday 10th May that dreaded feeling came over me as I sat on the toilet. I knew it was back. I hadn’t suffered with it for nearly a decade but I will never forget that awful feeling, and the dread it brings. I thought though it would be fleeting. Previously I had been able to knock it away quickly with lots of water and plenty of bicarbonate of soda. I knew I had a rough couple of days ahead, but I also knew (or thought) I would quickly be through it. A UTI had hit me.

The irony!

It had been three years since I had run one of my 31 day cleanses. I had, on a feeling, decided a month previously to run one again. 31 days supporting women to be in optimum health, and on the very day it started, I became sick! It was OK though. I wouldn’t need to mention it to anyone because it would be gone as quickly as it came, and I would just be able to forget it and move on.

That week I carried on as normal. I didn’t rest. I didn’t stop doing anything I would normally do. I didn’t sleep well, but I ‘coped’. A whole week though and it hadn’t passed. It would though. I just had to wait another day and it would be gone.

The next Monday came. I was exhausted; physically and mentally. I hadn’t slept well for a week, and the ‘waiting for it pass’ was wearing on me. I believed in my body. I believed it could heal. But I felt like it was letting me down. I still hadn’t told anyone I was sick (apart from Josh + the children). However that Monday I decided I would try a new tactic and stay in bed. I would surrender to rest for one day. I didn’t leave the bed for 11 days!

When I started to feel discomfort in my back I began to worry. I know I have weak kidneys anyway because blood tests I ran last year told me as much; probably from the historical issues I have had with UTIs (which I thought were a thing of the past). I called my friend who is a doctor. He is holistically minded, and conscious of my beliefs, but he said he had to advise that I got antibiotics. The thing is I am not even registered with a doctor. I so rarely use the NHS. He told me I could call 111 after 6pm if I wasn’t registered + they would get a doctor to prescribe me antibiotics; I didn’t do it. I wasn’t resolute in my decision. I worried the whole time I was just being stubborn. It saddens me to be honest I felt that way because my body knew it could heal, but the stories I had learnt through time told me that I was ‘being stupid’ and ‘only medicine could help when it got bad!’.

And it got bad!

Four to six times a night I woke up with the bed drenched. My night clothes were sticking to my body. When I got up to sort myself out, my skin was covered in droplets of sweat. I was cold though. I couldn’t eat. I didn’t eat at all for five days. I became really weak. I struggled to walk. I started to develop a cough. I cried at the drop of a hat. It got bad!

Eventually I caved and called 111. I decided with a likeminded friend that at least having the antibiotics there meant I could relax from thinking about it, and just know they were there if I needed it. When I spoke to the doctor he was shocked I had managed so long without painkillers or other medication. Taking painkillers hadn’t even occurred to me! He actually told me there was no need to rush to get the antibiotics that night if I had ‘managed’ for so long. I could get them in the morning. His lack of concern gave me more confidence. Josh got the drugs, but I think they are still sitting in a bag in our utility room.

I sit here now five weeks after it started. I haven’t had a symptom for one week. It lasted for four weeks. Four weeks that were really hard on me. Really hard! Physically I went through it massively. But it was the emotional impact that has really led me to write this blog today.

Physical healing

Let me quickly first talk about what I did physically to heal, because I know many women here reading this will also suffer and I definitely gained some wisdom:

Community

I started to tell everyone I was sick. I let go of the shame. Once there was no getting away from what was happening, and once I surrendered to the process, I started to share honestly why I couldn’t show up to meetings and trainings I was meant to be running. I also started to share with close friends who are of a similar mindset to me. The response of course was floods of help. No judgement. Why do we fear judgement for illness, especially when we work in the industry of health? From this community I slowly pulled together a plan to heal.

Get the pharmaceuticals/speak to a doctor

Once I had spoken to a doctor I knew it wasn’t life threatening. I knew I had ticked that box and I could continue on my path of natural healing, without wondering if I was being ‘stupid’. I got the antibiotics, and knew I had them if I needed them. In doing so I eliminated a stress. I knew they would be a last resort for me. Not because they don’t have a place, because they do, but for me it has to be a place that is truly necessary and worth the aftermath. Antibiotics kill everything. They destroy the bacteria that lives in your body and helps you thrive. We are 20x more bacteria that we are cells. We rely on them for our health. I knew if I took those antibiotics I would have months, if not more, of healing. I would have thrush. I would have digestive issues. Most likely weakened immunity. They were a last resort, but I had them there, so then I could forget about them.

Essential oils

Of course! I had regular baths with epsom salts and tea tree. Josh regularly was applying Zendocrine (an oil blend for detoxing) to my kidneys and abdomen, and DDR Prime down my spine. He also applied the anti-inflammatory Symphony of the Cells protocol on me several times. I took capsules with Lemongrass, Oregano, Clove and Cassia, topped with some extra virgin olive oil. I really felt the oils helped take the sensation out of my kidneys, which was the biggest concern for me.

Bicarbonate of soda

Drinking this in water helps take the acidity out of your urine, which helps alleviate the pain when you urinate. One teaspoon in a pint is plenty, two to three times a day.

Organic unsweetened cranberry juice

It has no sugar. Drink it like a cordial. It is very bitter, but please don’t drink the processed cranberry juice with sugar in it - the sugar will only serve to make it worse.

Juicing

A lot of green juices. Very little fruit. Josh was making me them every day. Fresh. Again processed juice is no good. They helped my urine be more alkaline, but also added in necessary nutrients.

Smoothies

I wasn’t hungry so I drank smoothies with very little fruit (the sugars make it worse and they are also often acidic), but I made sure they had healthy fats from avocado and protein from plant based protein powders to support my body with healing.

Water

This was an interesting one. I was probably initially drinking too much! I will explain why now.

D-mannose

A lot of people had recommended this to me, so I got some. I was drinking it with gallons of water, but eventually a friend put me onto a company called Sweet Cures. I called them and they confirmed what my friend had also told me. When you are using d-mannose, which I strongly recommend, especially this company because this was part of me turning a corner, you need to make sure it sits in your bladder for a long time to do its job! If you are drinking too much water you are flushing it out. They told me to drink normally. I got their tablets and started to drink less. Game changer! One of them any way! Here is an interesting article on their website which goes into biofilms and how they form to stop antibiotics from working for UTIs, and then this one generally about antibiotics and the impact they have on the body.

Probiotics specifically for the urinary tract

I was recommended a specific type that are made by Optibac. They are specific for women and flood your body with the right strains of bacteria that are necessary to support you in healing. Not all probiotics support your body in the same way, as there are so many different strains that support different aspects of your health. Along with d-mannose twice a day, I continue to take these, and will continue to do so for another month. These are the probiotics I am taking.

Rested

A lot! I gave into it. I surrendered completely. I opened to let everyone take care of me. Women find this so difficult. If I got out of bed, everyone assumed I was better, like a natural instinct kicked in that ‘Mommy would look after everything again’. I was weak and didn’t want to get out of bed, and I didn’t force it because I knew I had to honour that, and give the space for everyone else to honour it too.

I let myself sweat!

The night sweats were intense but fevers are part of healing. Of course we have to be wary if we become delirious or are throwing up. However generally we need to let ourselves sweat. Our body is heating up to fight the infection and eliminating toxicity through sweat.

Homeopathy

This was something new for me and leads me neatly to the emotional aspects I worked through throughout this period. I have never used homeopathy before. I had assumed it was just something to work on physically supporting the body, and I had everything I needed for that in rest, nutrition and oils. However I have recently met a wonderful group of women who strongly believe in homeopathy as an additional tool, and they have taught me that actually the emotional ‘symptom’ is what dictates the remedy.

A good friend of mine then connected me with her homeopath, who ended up being a complete lifeline for me in my darkest moments. She had 10 minutes on the phone with me on the Thursday of my third week into this. She straightaway prescribed me Causticum, which is not the ‘usual’ remedy for a UTI. Instead it is a remedy for those who are very strong in their beliefs, stand up for ‘right’ over ‘wrong’, and always want to show up for the underdog (part of this is driven by their innate personality and part by personal experiences/trauma). Wow. Had she summed me up quickly! She then went on to email me all weekend, and spend another hour on the phone with me, in a very intense moment on the Saturday, for free. She said she was being called to help me (she has subsequently told me this is not ‘normal service’ - ha - I respect her boundaries so I wouldn’t expect it to be!). I took the remedy - I turned a corner!

What I have learnt

I believe every illness comes for a reason. Because of how I choose to heal, going to the depths, it always without doubt leads me to having to surrender. I have to drop everything I am doing, and in doing so can reflect on what is truly important. I am constantly on the go, pursuing newness, looking to grow. This last year I have gone so deep into learning, into things I would never have dreamt I would have to explore, and that without doubt has ‘brought out the fight’ in me. I want to be part of the solution! I want to support others to get through it. At the same time I am working passionately in my business. I am homeschooling my children. I am cooking fresh meals every single day. I am growing a garden. And all the while I am holding sadness (personal and collective) in my body, from my past, from the present, and for the future. I am not someone to know I am stressed, because I don’t express it externally, but when something like this happens I feel it intensely. The physical symptoms are both a manifestation of the emotional state of my body, but also they are a release for it. As I surrender, and as I heal, so too do I learn something deeper about myself, and I start to process it.

I say I start to process it because sickness always starts a process of regeneration and growth for me. It allows things to surface that have been buried, things I sometimes haven’t even known before, and I then go through a period (often a year or more) where I let that shape how I move forward in my life.

Moving forward

I am going to carry on working with homeopathy to help me work through and process what has come up with me. It seems Causticum is my constitutional remedy. As I understand it, this means it will be the remedy most likely to help me in many instances. I have so much to learn though.

I am pulling back from things that don’t serve my ‘big picture’ vision. I want to be part of the solution, but I have very specific work to do here, and being pulled in many different directions is not going to help that.

I am going to revisit my childhood self, and work more with her as a way to process a lot of what I hold onto. We are all essentially just those same children we used to be, walking around in adult bodies, reacting and responding to experiences we had as children, and also the generational patterns we inherited from before us. This is something I have been meaning to explore more for a while, and I know there is no coincidence that the illness I got this time, was something that was something I haven’t suffered with since I was a child. It came to show me the work I needed to do.

Why did I sit and write this today?

Firstly to show myself that it is good + right to talk about being sick, and it is nothing to be ashamed of. Illness carries so much shame, especially in the world since 2020 hit! Illness is natural. Illness is healthy. Illness is release, both physically and emotionally. We can stop. We can surrender to it. We can talk about it. We should!

Secondly, I wanted to share with you the physical things I did to heal, because I know A LOT of women suffer from UTIs. Almost every woman I told grimaced when I told them. They felt pain as if it was their own, as most have, do, suffer with it.

Lastly, I wanted to share the emotional aspects that arose from the experience. So often we silence our bodies when they are physically sick. We hide the symptoms, and quick fix the problem. Of course we have to be careful to not go too far + for it to become dangerous. Allopathic medicine is life saving. However, if we let our bodies heal and allow the cleansing that comes in the process, I believe so much learning and growth comes as a result.

My friend Gus told me today that in some indigenous communities, when a person is sick everyone gathers round that person + thanks them. They believe that that person is holding the collective trauma for the community, and in being sick is healing for them all. It is so often the case that in families one person gets sick, and the others don’t. There is a whole theory around this, terrain theory, but I love the idea that there is an emotional aspect too that needs to be considered.

My sickness has healed a lot in my family. I can feel it. It has acted as a reset for us all. The power of surrender and the belief in the human body to heal holds so much power. I am grateful for my experience. It was really tough, but I am grateful. One week in to having recovered, and I am excited to move forward.

With love, and in constant pursuit of truth,

Rochelle x

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