…what I have learnt so far, at least!

I was out walking in the field by the beck in front of my house a few days ago, and in these rare quiet moments I have, I have taken to asking for guidance as to what I am supposed to write about here.

So as I walked, I asked (in my head so I didn’t look totally bat shit crazy to people walking by!), and this is what came to me. I am no expert here, and for a day or so I questioned if I was the right person to write it at all, but I hope what I share from my experiences is helpful in some way. Writing it at least has served as a useful reminder to me what I have learnt so far.

As I reflected, I knew why I was called to write about it this week: Josh and I, at the time I was out walking, were in the middle of a silent argument! I had come home a few days previously, and whilst I had been gone Josh had put up a shelf, above the window in the bathroom, where I asked him to, so I could put plants there (my home is officially now turning into a jungle!). I was so happy it was done, but as I looked at it, it looked out of kilter. I knew what had happened. His personality means he does everything by the book, and this means using a spirit level. It was perfectly straight, however the window itself isn’t, and so it didn’t look straight to the eye. I went in and told him it wasn’t right, and he immediately shut down and became defensive.

What went wrong here? Firstly let me contextualise this a bit more. I have known Josh now for 12 and a half years. Our relationship has not been the easiest ride. We are both very strong willed and, whilst it may not seem it to those who know him, Josh is just as fiery as me when we are alone! Up until a year ago we lived in attached houses, and I always felt badly for our neighbours - when we argued they knew about it! In full credit to him, I have never known anyone more willing to grow and be a better person than Josh. It takes him a while sometimes, but he always gets there, and openly admits his previous behaviour was not right. I am not shy of personal growth myself, but I do it a bit more quietly than Josh, less willing to accept my shortcomings out in the open! Together over the last decade+ we have grown so much together, so our arguments now are, as I mentioned with this last one, often ‘silent’, until we can find the time to talk them through. What I share with you today are some of the ways that we have learnt to do this.

So back to the shelf (as it gives a nice example for us). Was I wrong in saying that it wasn’t straight? No...it wasn’t and it does need fixing. However, I triggered something in him in how I approached it. I learnt recently that almost every argument between adults stems from being taken back to something that has happened (either once to great impact, or repeatedly) during our childhood. Essentially when we are arguing as adults, we are just triggering our inner children, back and forth. I am not going to analyse us too much, but let’s say I triggered something in Josh of never doing anything well enough, and then him walking away from me because of that (a massive improvement from the huge row it would have caused before), triggered in me the feeling of not being heard and my opinion not mattering, and so the cycle begins.

I should have approached it differently. I know enough about Josh now to know it is very important to acknowledge his work and be grateful for it (not a bad habit to have in general). I should have started there, and then bided my time for at least a few hours to ‘notice’ that it wasn’t straight. I do wish he wasn’t defensive about these things, but the first thing in fixing communication, I have learnt, is to focus on you first - trying to change the other person is not the answer. 

Failure to properly communicate is the cause of almost every relationship breakdown. I have realised this in family relationships, spousal relationships, in friendships and in work. Today it is even harder to maintain proper communication, because despite being in a world where we are more ‘connected’ than ever, true connection is actually minimal, and all of the elements of tone, body language, eye contact etc have diminished massively. This on top of the triggers of childhood, and general personality differences, has made genuine communication with one another something we need to work much harder on, but I truly believe it is worth the effort.

Josh and I have come a long way in the time we have known one another. We have a huge love for one another, which fuels our desire to make it work. However, the way we have made it work is being committed to knowing one another better and learning to communicate more effectively; as such our relationship has never been better (testament to which being that we manage to live, homeschool our children and work together 24/7, and still choose to spend our free time together!).

Before I move into some ideas, I want to just mention something which I feel also led to me being guided to write about this today. Last week I was lying in bed with the children (we all share in a big Family Bed - co-sleeping has always been an important part of our parenting experience, and perhaps something I will write more about another time), and they started to argue. Both of them started crying and it became so clear to me that they were both frustrated as neither of them felt heard. I quietly asked them to just be still a minute and listen to me. I explained to them what I thought was happening and invited them to listen to one another calmly. They both took heed and took turns to talk. They at times moved into being defensive, but I reminded them to truly listen and understand where one another were coming from, and asked them if they could relate in any way. I then encouraged them to compromise in a way that felt good to them, based on what one another had said. They talked it through and both came out with a resolution they were happy with. 

Caleb then told me that it felt good to have been heard, and Savannah, aged 6, nearly 7, said: “Wow. I think that is the first proper conversation I have ever had!”. It made me laugh, as I think she was right. She is the youngest in our family, and very happy to go along in most circumstances, so she either just gets her way or is happy regardless. As she gets older though I have noticed these conflicts coming up more, but that was the first time I had encouraged them to speak properly about it. For her it most likely was her first opportunity to really express herself, as well as being mature enough to stop and listen to the other person too. I was delighted that they managed it so beautifully between them, and have reminded them since to work together when something else was close to a break down! I hope through these experiences they can move into adulthood better equipped than Josh and I!

So what have I learnt so far?

Listen! So often relationships break down because people do not feel heard. For some people this is more important than anything else. As I started my training as a coach I thought that my role was to give people the answers, but I quickly learnt that the most powerful sessions happened when I purely allowed people the space to talk. Most conversations consist of us waiting for the other person to finish talking, so we can say our piece. What if we instead put our attention fully onto the other person as they spoke, with no agenda. Not only would they feel heard, but we would have all the information, from connecting with our head and our heart to them, to reply appropriately.

Know the other person as best you can. This can come from time and experience of that person. Most people don’t show their true selves until they feel safe, and that process can take a while. However there are some tools you can use to understand one another more. Two tools that have been really helpful for Josh and I are Clifton Strengths and The 5 Love Languages.

Clifton Strengths is an assessment which gathers information from you, which is very sophisticated behind the scenes, but an easy and simple test from the users’ perspective. It is based on the principle that most of us live constantly trying to improve our weaknesses, but when we instead learn and honour our strengths we go from being average to being the best version of ourselves. It is an incredible way to look at a person, and what makes it even better is almost nobody alive will get the same results as you - it shows us how unique and amazing we all are. When Josh and I both did the test we learnt so much about each other, and it made so much sense of some of the things that used to frustrate us about each other. We have learnt to be grateful for one another's strengths, to communicate better as a result and in turn to work together better as a team. I also use this a lot in my work, where knowing someone more deeply faster leads to me being a better mentor and hence to more optimised progress for them.

The 5 Love Languages is a simple, free test, and again has given us great perspective. We often love someone how we like to receive love, but when the other person likes to receive love in another way, our love messages can get lost. Doing a Love Languages test with any person you are in a relationship with (including work relationships) opens up for conversation between you, and a growth of respect for one another.

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. My Aunt Leah taught me this and it stuck. With my growing awareness of the difference between the Feminine and the Masculine energies (something I will come to in another blog soon), this knowledge has deepened, but initially it was pretty basic: men are different to women! I used to get so frustrated that Josh wouldn’t do the things I asked. My Aunt taught me that men are programmed to want to please women, and when we complain all they hear is “You are not good enough for me.” Now here we get to one of the ways I went wrong the other day! This makes men switch off. With things I wanted help with around the house, when we were first living together, I tried another tactic my Aunt taught me: I told Josh how happy it would make me if he took out the rubbish. The first few times it didn’t go in, but I just kept on with how happy it would make me. Eventually he did it, and I told him how happy I was, and how grateful - and so the taking out of the rubbish stuck. It worked! Now as I say, this gets way more complex (in an amazing way!) when you understand the deeper spiritual connection between the Masculine and the Feminine, and how it has been violated in current society, but that is too much for here; so until another day. However, do try the “It would make me so happy for now” - the roots of the deeper stuff are what makes this work, and creates more harmony.

Don’t assume the worst. I think it is fair to say we all jump to conclusions. Stop, take a breath, walk out the room if you need to, and then come back with a willingness to understand each other. It is even better if you can do all the understanding of one another before conflict arises, in some of the ways outlined above, but if needs be do it during, in order to get the full picture and try and understand where one another is coming from (like Caleb and Savannah the other day), and then very importantly, do it after, when the dust has settled, so you can brainstorm ways to not let it happen again.

Stop and ask what is being triggered! A big part of the conversations during and definitely after is understanding the triggers from your childhood. I am not the expert here, and will not even try to get into this in detail. I have found this article for you though, which explains this well, and gives you a place to start from if you want to explore this more. I have also heard that the book Self-Therapy: A Step-By-Step Guide to Creating Wholeness and Healing Your Inner Child by Jay Earley is very helpful on this topic, addressing the fact that what comes out in arguments is a protector for your inner child that feels attacked - doing the work means telling the protector that all is OK, and doing this work in a relationship is a very special way to deepen your bond. 

Don’t hold grudges. Allow communication to happen. Express needs. Allow the person to apologise. Don’t be pig headed and stubborn!

Be willing to grow! What is life without growth? Stale and boring. Journeying and growing with another can sometimes be really hard (trust me!) but if they are the right one for you, then it is a pretty magnificent experience and worth the bumps in the road!

Know that we all just want to be seen and heard and to feel loved! That is all. When it comes down to it, it really is that simple. When push comes to shove if you turn to one another and say: “I see you. hear you. I love you.” - the power within those words, when spoken from a true heart, is beyond measure. 

We have a gift in words and how we use them; may I remember that next time I see a lovingly put up wonky shelf!

If you have your own thoughts and guidance on how to work through communication barriers, and the importance of doing so, I would love to hear from you in the comments below, so others can also benefit from your wisdom.

For now I leave you with another Yung Pueblo quote - he articulates it all so beautifully after all.